MATTHEW: ...Captain, are you aware that the conference lounge
is ominously close to a major interstate highway?
ALAN: Yes. That's why I'm sitting WAY over here by the windows,
and Neelar is on the curb.
TALYERE: Bugetary constraints forced the producers to use this
roadside location. All of the other gray base-plates were used on
the bridge. But fear not, this road is closed to traffic. I think.
ALAN: We won't miss Neelar much, anyway. But... I didn't call you
all here for a discursive conversation...
is ominously close to a major interstate highway?
ALAN: Yes. That's why I'm sitting WAY over here by the windows,
and Neelar is on the curb.
TALYERE: Bugetary constraints forced the producers to use this
roadside location. All of the other gray base-plates were used on
the bridge. But fear not, this road is closed to traffic. I think.
ALAN: We won't miss Neelar much, anyway. But... I didn't call you
all here for a discursive conversation...
ALAN: Ladies and gentlemen... I have a plan...
MATTHEW: I knew you would come through, Captain.
ERIN: Would you like a Kleenex, Matthew? Your nose is looking a
little brown.
MATTHEW: I am simply being supportive.
ERIN: Of course.
ALAN: We're going to hijack some nuclear warheads and hold
the world hostage for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!
TALYERE: With all due respect, Captain... that has nothing to do
with the Borg.
ALAN: Oh... right. Wrong movie.
MATTHEW: I knew you would come through, Captain.
ERIN: Would you like a Kleenex, Matthew? Your nose is looking a
little brown.
MATTHEW: I am simply being supportive.
ERIN: Of course.
ALAN: We're going to hijack some nuclear warheads and hold
the world hostage for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!
TALYERE: With all due respect, Captain... that has nothing to do
with the Borg.
ALAN: Oh... right. Wrong movie.
| ALAN: What we're REALLY going to do is seek out the Dark Lord Tim on Caltaar VII. Once there, we will approach his position and order some onion rings. BATOR: Should we Super-Size that order? ALAN: ...I don't know. LUCAS: And what about fries? If we don't have fries with our meal, it might look a little suspiscious... ALAN: I'll lead the away team, that way I'll be able to personally oversee our order. Neelar... How far away are we from Caltaar IX? |
| ALAN: Neelar? LUCAS: He finally gets a line and he can't remember it... NEELAR: ... ... ... ALAN: This is a disaster! |
| STEVEN SPEILBERG: Cut!! Cut!! Neelar, all you have to do is say, "Six hours, Captain!" That's it. We're not performing Shakespeare, here... ... ... Hey, that rhymed. Shakespeare here... NEELAR: I... I... uh... ERIN: Someone get me a frappuchino! |
| STEVEN SPEILBERG: I think he's got a case of stagefright. ALAN: Come on, Neelar, snap out of it! I want to wrap this film today... The Lakers are playing tonight and I've got courtside tickets. NEELAR: ...Are you... are you gonna take me? ALAN: ...Heck no!! Are you crazy? I just want you to say your damn line so I can get there on time. NEELAR: I... I.......... I............... |
| ALAN: Great... His head imploded. I always said we should have hired someone else to play his role, but NO, the producers wanted to save money. And now look at us... STEVEN SPEILBERG: Hey, we tried to get Carrot Top for the role, but he was unavailable. ALAN: So... now what are we going to do? Lunch? Lunch sounds good. CAMERA MAN: Yeah, lunch does sound pretty good. STEVEN SPEILBERG: ...I've got a better idea. |
| ALAN: I'll lead the away team, that way I'll be able to personally oversee our order. Neelar... How far away are we from Caltaar III? NEELAR: Ooot ooot!! Six hours, Captain. |
| ERIN: THAT was a long trip. MATTHEW: Indeed. The Captain went to extraordinary legnths to redefine the term "backseat driver." ERIN: Kendall didn't complain that much. But then again, his jaw WAS frozen shut. ALAN: Yeah... You could have turned the heat on. And yielding for that Yridian garbage scow was the polite thing to do! You know the old saying, "Yield for a Yridian garbage scow today, and be hemorrhoid free in three weeks." ERIN: I'm not familiar with that one. ALAN: You guys need to get out more often. |
| ERIN: I'm detecting the Dark Lord Tim's presence. He's very nearby. ALAN: How are you detecting it? ERIN: With my tricorder? ALAN: You don't have a tricorder. ERIN: Well, I hate to disappoint you, but tricorders aren't real to begin with. They're just cheap, corny little props. So today I decided I didn't want to carry one any more. ALAN: So... everything you've gleaned from a tricorder the past four years... ERIN: I made it up on the spot. Now lets get moving. |
| MATTHEW: Wait up! I must rest a moment to catch my breath! ALAN: We've barely gone five meters. In fact, I'd say we've barely gone five inches. MATTHEW: The terrain is rough. And all this adventure... ERIN: Yes, I know... it must be making you quite gassy. ALAN: ...Hey, maybe HE should sit in the trunk on the way home. One little SBD can be lethal in an enclosed space like the shuttle cockpit. I mean, Lucas can clear the mess hall in 5.6 seconds with just one of those babies. Imagine the immense power Matthew's multiple 'breaches' would have in a much smaller space. You, Erin, could be overwhelmed by the ungodly aroma. ERIN: Maybe I'll sit in the trunk, and you two can enjoy the ... 'aroma' together. |
| CROC HUNTER: CRIKEY! Hold up, mates! We've got a live one, here! ALAN: What? CROC HUNTER: It's a feral Hylian Croc, mates! If you don't watch yourselves, the bloke will bite yer head clean off! He escaped from Hyrule Zoo about two weeks ago, and I've been after him ever since! Now... the thing is, he don't know I'm trying to save him, and he wants me DEAD! But, I love me crocs, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to bring him home safely. Just keep back, mates! |
| CROC HUNTER: There he is, mates, chompin' away at that poor bloke's foot. By crikey, that's one foolish fella. I reckon he's in an excrutiating amount of pain right now. ERIN: ...He's with us. CROC HUNTER: Well, he's done a fine job distracting the croc. I'll see if I can hop in there and straighten things out! |
| CROC HUNTER: Don't try this at home, kids! One shot of this croc's lethal venom is enough to blind any man--and while I'm rolling around on the ground in excrutiating amounts of pain, foaming at the mouth and losing control of my bladder, the croc will strike. After I finish urinating, the croc wiil spit at me again, causing an extreme burning sensation throughout me entire body. At that point, I'll be in no condition to fight back, and the bloke will bite me head clean off, and take it back with her to the bush to feed her young. Thankfully, I'm a professional and... .... WOAH... CRIKEY!!! What is THAT smell?? It's like... ... a horse carcass rotting in a sewer... MATTHEW: Pardon me. CROC HUNTER: I think... it's going to overpower me will over the croc... |
| ERIN: Well, maybe we should take Talyere a bit more seriously next time. Poor Matthew. CROC HUNTER: No worries, mates! This would be a bad time for one to lose his head--but thankfully I've got everything under control. While this croc is dragging my head back to the bush, the guys at Fed-Ex are already in the process of shipping me a new one--and with their affordable next-day shipping, I'll be back on me feet in no time! ALAN: My coffee is cold. I wonder if the Dark Lord Tim will give me a refill? |
| ERIN: Now this time, I don't want you bringing Matthew back to life. Nobody likes Doctor Hartman. They don' t need to see her in this episode. The creators probably don't even have a HEAD for her mini-figure. ALAN: But Matthew is a regular character! ERIN: Well maybe we should stop spoon-feeding him Metamucil every day. I want a promotion, damn it! ALAN: He has a contract, Erin. ERIN: Maybe we can put him to work at one of Starfleet's famed 50,000 megawatt workstations. The next time we go into battle, maybe a great arc of energy will zap him to death? That'll get me a promotion... |
| ALAN: This must be it... the realm of the Dark Lord Tim. ERIN: I'll bet he doesn't do a lot of business around here. |
| TIM: Oh hey, how are you doing, sir? You want Slurpee and hot dog? Or perhaps full tank of gasoline? ALAN: No thanks. But... I've heard indredible things about your... Onion Rings... TIM: Oh, yes, yes! Onion Rings very good! Very good! Rated Number Four in National Taste Test! ALAN: I'd like to try a burger. With onion rings. TIM: You want fries with that? ALAN: Um... no? TIM: Slurpee and hot dog? ALAN: No. TIM: Full tank gasoline? ALAN: No? TIM: You spies from the Federation? ALAN: No. TIM: Very well then, $4.95. |
| ALAN: Five dollars for a burger?! TIM: No, $4.95. ALAN: Well, unfortunately, being from the Federation, I don't carry money with me. Apparently we've lost the need to acquire wealth, which means we pretty much laze around on Earth all day and pick our noses, or something. So, you're going to have to slide this burger to me for free. TIM: Slide? What, do you think this is White Castle? I'm not selling 'sliders'!!!! ALAN: What? TIM: You know... White Castle. They are famous for their 'sliders,' so called because their burgers slide down into the stomach... and slide right back out. But OUR burgers, THEY are quality. They are... $4.95. Pay up, or NO BURGER! ALAN: Well... my associate, Erin, is going to have to go to the car to get a check... |
| ALAN: Boy, look at those incredible FX! This is going to earn us an Academy Award, baby! TIM'S SCANTILY CLAD, CLEAVAGE-SHOWING ASSIASTANT: And just look at the guy holding the shuttle! He's soooo dreamy!!! Ohh!!! ALAN: Yeah, I like him. |
| ERIN: On second thought, maybe we could use a full tank of gasoline... |
| TO BE CONTINUED... Return to Main |