ALAN: Admiral, you're looking stunning, as usual. I see you're
growing out the sideburns... Very stylish. Trying to capture that
old 'Kirk' feeling?
O'CONNOR: I'm not here to talk about my copious amounts of
facial hair, Captain. Where is that status report I asked about
during Act One? Command has been on my tail about that report
since Season Two!
ALAN: Status report? You weren't even IN Act One!
O'CONNOR: Yes, I was.
ALAN: So you think I'm lying?
O'CONNOR: I didn't say you were lying, Captain. You're just not
telling the truth. I hear everything yous guys say about me, you
know...
growing out the sideburns... Very stylish. Trying to capture that
old 'Kirk' feeling?
O'CONNOR: I'm not here to talk about my copious amounts of
facial hair, Captain. Where is that status report I asked about
during Act One? Command has been on my tail about that report
since Season Two!
ALAN: Status report? You weren't even IN Act One!
O'CONNOR: Yes, I was.
ALAN: So you think I'm lying?
O'CONNOR: I didn't say you were lying, Captain. You're just not
telling the truth. I hear everything yous guys say about me, you
know...
| O'CONNOR: So, I understand there's a situation with the Breen? ALAN: Borg, actually. O'CONNOR: Who? ALAN: The Borg? You know, "Resistance is futile"? O'CONNOR: Oh, the Borg! You indicated there was a problem with the Breen in your status report. ALAN: The one I never gave to you in Act One? O'CONNOR: That's the one. ALAN: If I never gave it to you, then how did you read it? O'CONNOR: Telepathy. And yes, I have lost weight. ALAN: I wasn't thinking that. O'CONNOR: Yes. You were. |
| O'CONNOR: Anyway, I recently heard an interesting tale that is essential to the progression of the plot. ALAN: Oh really? Are you going to transmit it telepathically? O'CONNOR: No. |
| O'CONNOR: Eons ago, in the burning fires of Caltaar III, the Dark Lord Tim created a bunch of rings of power.... Three were given to the Romulans... Six, to Klingons... And nine to the Federation.... Together, they would plunge their small corner of the galaxy into countless wars... But they were all of them deceieved... For the Dark Lord created another ring of power to rule them all! |
| O'CONNOR: For eons, the Borg Queen held this One Ring. But since she died so much the past few years, we've really had trouble keeping track of it. All you have to do is return this ring to the Queen, and she'll come back to the Collective to rule us all. ALAN: So we must find this... One Ring? O'CONNOR: Yes. And on your way back from Borg Space, pick up a gallon of milk from the Kroger on Ka'Tula Prime. Starfleet Command is almost out, and our sale paper doesn't start until tomorrow. ALAN: ...Of course. |
| MATTHEW: What are our orders, Captain? ALAN: We must find the One Ring, and return it to the Borg Queen. And then we have to pick up a gallon of milk, and return it to Earth before the expiration date. MATTHEW: That sounds difficult. ALAN: It will be. That milk doesn't stay fresh for very long. |
| ALAN: Are there any Borg ships on sensors? ERIN: I've got Tactical Cube 47 on long-range sensors. They're currently redecorating a neglected breakfast nook on Qo'noS. However, my plot-indicator says that we should go there to investigate. KENDALL: That thing seems pretty helpful. When we're on dangerous missions, we can avoid the plot altogether in order to stay safe. ALAN: That might sound good to you and me, Kendall, but what about our poor readers? They'll be bored to death! KENDALL: Well... if they're not being bored to death, then there's a good chance I'll be phasered to death... ALAN: Nah, that's Matthew's job... |
| ALAN: Neelar, set a course for Tactical Cube 47--and Matthew, prepare your away team. ERIN : Due to bugetary constraints, we still can't use the transporter. We'll have to take a shuttlecraft. MATTHEW: Must we? I dislike the shuttlebay... With all of those gender-challenged individuals, it is perhaps the most frightening places on the ship. ALAN: You'll live. MATTHEW: I hope. |
| MATTHEW: Excuse me... um... ma'am? SHE-MAN: Sir, actually. I'm related to Admiral O'Connor. MATTHEW: Well, I almost had it right. Perhaps next time I will guess the shuttle controller's gender properly? SHE-MAN: Don't count on it. Have you met Lieutenant Waltman? MATTHEW: No. SHE-MAN: She can grow a thicker beard than most men. And you should see her long, wavy back hair; it's glorious! ERIN: Not that this isn't exciting, but we need to use the shuttle. SHE-MAN: Of course... |
| ERIN: Hey, I didn't know Starfleet made ghetto cruisers! MATTHEW: I do believe it is a British-made pimp-shuttle...The steering wheel *IS* on the right. ERIN: That explains it. |
| ERIN: This thing is awesome! We're going to have one hell of an adventure, Matthew! MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy. |
| **Jay-z's "Big Pimpin" starts to play** We doin... big pimpin, we spendin G's... Check 'em out now Big pimpin with the B.O.R.G. We doing big pimpin near the DMZ... It's just the Matthew Man, Erin K, and B.O.R.G... Yo yo yo...And Kendall J, he don't fit into da rhyme... so he has to ride in the trunk. That is SO WACK, man... Yo yo yo... |
| TACTICAL CUBE 47 ERIN: I see the Borg have assimilated Empire Carpet World. MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy. |
| STEVE: Hey, I'm Steve. You may remember me from countless poor performances as Zelda in Smash Brothers Melee. If not, you might also remember me from some half-baked Pomegranate Empire... And if you don't remember me from THAT, then I'm afraid you've never met me before. MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy. STEVE: What's his problem? ERIN: He's afraid something bad is going to happen to him this act. Talyere always reads the script and tries to freak him out. It's pretty funny, actually. STEVE: Well, feel free to look around. We've got a nice selection in our new culinary assimilation chamber... The burgers around here are to assimilate for!! Hahahahahaha!!! |
| AL: Good morning, Frank! How's our top assimilator doing today? Need an oil change or anything? FRANK: Nah, I'm fine! Though the wife could probably use a good lube job... |
| DRONE: Good morning, everyone, my designation is 501 of 974, Quaternary Adjunct to Unimatrix 4-1-7-3. But you may call me Bubba. I'm pleased to see all of you here today, and hope that you'll choose to join the collective after this brief orientation. I'll have you know, there's not another species around that offers a better health care package! Should you acquire damage, you can instantly be healed at any one of our three billion regeneration alcoves, conveniently located at any Borg installation throughout the galaxy. And in the rare event that you get shot while assimilating a Federation starship, you can vaporize knowing that your greasy body will leave a VERY unsightly stain on their carpeting--and that there are trillions of other drones waiting in the wings to pick up for your slack. The Borg also offer competitive pay. While the Federation expects you to work for free, we offer incredible wages, with raises every six months! And, with your Borg Plus Savings Card, you'll get deep discounts at every spaceport in the quadrant. So, after a hard day's work assimilating the Federation, feel free to stop by any of their starbases to pick up a memento of their civilization while it still exists! |
| DRONE: What can we do for you today? Trim your cybernetic arm a little bit? Install some additional RAM? Maybe a little more grease? GUY: Just take a little off the top. And maybe get me one of those new ocular implants. You know, one of those fancy HD-plasma thingies. That would be great. DRONE: Will do... |
| KENDALL: I'm detecting a strange energy signature inside of that burger... ERIN: The readings are consistant with the rings forged by the Dark Lord Tim on Caltaar II... KENDALL: What's it doing inside of a burger? ERIN: The Dark Lord must have been forging Onion Rings... KENDALL: So... the Borg Queen has been using an Onion Ring to control the universe all these years? ERIN: So it would seem... |