EMPIRE CARPET WORLD...
TALYERE: I said the special effects were bad.
BATOR: At least we know were in good hands...
MATTHEW: Silence. I'm preparing to land the shuttle!
TALYERE: I said the special effects were bad.
BATOR: At least we know were in good hands...
MATTHEW: Silence. I'm preparing to land the shuttle!
MATTHEW: And the landing cycle is complete.
LUCAS: That was a surprisingly soft landing...
MATTHEW: That is what happens when one has skill.
TALYERE: Should there be heads rolling around on the
ground?
LUCAS: That was a surprisingly soft landing...
MATTHEW: That is what happens when one has skill.
TALYERE: Should there be heads rolling around on the
ground?
BATOR: It would seem that we landed on a group of
innocent pedestrians.
MATTHEW: Ooh, this one has a nice shield. It will
complement my sword nicely.
TALYERE: Is this not in violation of some Starfleet
regulations?
MATTHEW: Probably, but look at that shield!
innocent pedestrians.
MATTHEW: Ooh, this one has a nice shield. It will
complement my sword nicely.
TALYERE: Is this not in violation of some Starfleet
regulations?
MATTHEW: Probably, but look at that shield!
OFFICER: This is the police. Do not move, or else I will
speak tersely for the next two panels.
MATTHEW: We should do what he says...
speak tersely for the next two panels.
MATTHEW: We should do what he says...
HOODED GUY: What's going on down there?
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN HAT: I don't know...
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN HAT: I don't know...
DARTH VADER: Those are Starfleet Officers. [breathing
noise] And judging by their smell, they've been near a girly
Canadian within the past 10 panels...
HOODED GUY: EGAD!!!! What do they want?
DARTH VADER: [breathing noise] They are undoubtedly here
to complain about their new carpet. [breathing noise]
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN HAT: [sniff, sniff] Are you SURE
you're smelling the Starfleet officers? All I smell is horse crap.
DARTH VADER: They are one in the same...
noise] And judging by their smell, they've been near a girly
Canadian within the past 10 panels...
HOODED GUY: EGAD!!!! What do they want?
DARTH VADER: [breathing noise] They are undoubtedly here
to complain about their new carpet. [breathing noise]
GUY WITH DORKY GREEN HAT: [sniff, sniff] Are you SURE
you're smelling the Starfleet officers? All I smell is horse crap.
DARTH VADER: They are one in the same...
MATTHEW: After killing so many innocent pedestrians, I did
not believe we would get away with such ease.
BATOR: These are primitive people.
TALYERE: Commander, watch out! There is a small Honda
Accord on a direct intercept course! If you do not move
within the next three panels, you will be flattened!
not believe we would get away with such ease.
BATOR: These are primitive people.
TALYERE: Commander, watch out! There is a small Honda
Accord on a direct intercept course! If you do not move
within the next three panels, you will be flattened!
TALYERE: Commander Tompkins, did you not have two
oversized weapons when we boarded the Aztec?
LUCAS: It must have floated away when Bator opened the
window for some extra fresh air.
BATOR: Well, if you hadn't had that three-bean salad....
MATTHEW: By the way, I am apparently safe.
oversized weapons when we boarded the Aztec?
LUCAS: It must have floated away when Bator opened the
window for some extra fresh air.
BATOR: Well, if you hadn't had that three-bean salad....
MATTHEW: By the way, I am apparently safe.
LUCAS: Just to be safe, let's vaporize the car.
BATOR: Okay.
TALYERE: Man, these FX are wretched!
MATTHEW: Excellent work. That Honda Accord shall never
threaten me again. Now let us proceed... Empire Carpet
World Headquarters should be around here somewhere...
BATOR: The sound stage isn't that big. We should stumble
upon it soon enough.
BATOR: Okay.
TALYERE: Man, these FX are wretched!
MATTHEW: Excellent work. That Honda Accord shall never
threaten me again. Now let us proceed... Empire Carpet
World Headquarters should be around here somewhere...
BATOR: The sound stage isn't that big. We should stumble
upon it soon enough.
TALYERE: Instead of wandering mindlessly, perhaps we
could ask these fine citizens.
MATTHEW: Good idea. Old woman! Old woman!!
could ask these fine citizens.
MATTHEW: Good idea. Old woman! Old woman!!
OLD WOMAN: Man.
MATTHEW: Man, sorry. I've been having trouble with mannish
women recently, you see, back in the shuttlebay---
MAN: I'm thirty-seven.
MATTHEW: What?
MAN: You called me an "old" woman. I'm 37! That's not old.
MATTHEW: Well, I don't know your name, and I can't just call
you "man"!!
MAN: Well, you could have asked.
MATTHEW: By-the-by, might you know where Empire Carpet
World is located?
MAN: Well, this whole planet is called "Empire Carpet World,"
is it not? I'm supposing you're there right now... You ARE
here, arent' you.
MATTHEW: ... I guess...
MATTHEW: Man, sorry. I've been having trouble with mannish
women recently, you see, back in the shuttlebay---
MAN: I'm thirty-seven.
MATTHEW: What?
MAN: You called me an "old" woman. I'm 37! That's not old.
MATTHEW: Well, I don't know your name, and I can't just call
you "man"!!
MAN: Well, you could have asked.
MATTHEW: By-the-by, might you know where Empire Carpet
World is located?
MAN: Well, this whole planet is called "Empire Carpet World,"
is it not? I'm supposing you're there right now... You ARE
here, arent' you.
MATTHEW: ... I guess...
MAN: Now, supposing that you are indeed here, would that
not indicate that you have reached Empire Carpet World?
MATTHEW: Well, I suppose it might...
* * *
LUCAS: Say, is that a plunger you're using as a cane?
ONE-LEGGED PIRATE: Aye. They don't make canes for us
poor one-legged saps, so you have to use a plunger.
LUCAS: Mind if I borrow it?
PIRATE: Is your leg about to fall off?
LUCAS: No, you see, I had this three-bean salad...
* * *
TALYERE: Perhaps we should split up and search for Empire
Carpet World without help from the locals...
not indicate that you have reached Empire Carpet World?
MATTHEW: Well, I suppose it might...
* * *
LUCAS: Say, is that a plunger you're using as a cane?
ONE-LEGGED PIRATE: Aye. They don't make canes for us
poor one-legged saps, so you have to use a plunger.
LUCAS: Mind if I borrow it?
PIRATE: Is your leg about to fall off?
LUCAS: No, you see, I had this three-bean salad...
* * *
TALYERE: Perhaps we should split up and search for Empire
Carpet World without help from the locals...
LUCAS: Well, if waste extraction malfunctions, it's not my
fault. That pirate was downright selfish if you ask me.
BATOR: We should be looking for Empire Carpet World...
LUCAS: Hey, check out the headlights on THAT scantily clad
chick up ahead!
BATOR: She is facing away from us.
LUCAS: These sunglasses aren't mere decoration...
fault. That pirate was downright selfish if you ask me.
BATOR: We should be looking for Empire Carpet World...
LUCAS: Hey, check out the headlights on THAT scantily clad
chick up ahead!
BATOR: She is facing away from us.
LUCAS: These sunglasses aren't mere decoration...
MATTHEW: My Matty-Sense is tingling! We're close to
Empire Carpet World!
TALYERE: Would you care to scale any skyscrapers before
we continue?
Empire Carpet World!
TALYERE: Would you care to scale any skyscrapers before
we continue?
MATTHEW: My Matty-Sense is tingling! We're close to
Empire Carpet World!
BATOR: Commander Tompkins is presently enduring some
gastrointestinal distress.
MATTHEW: Nonsense! We must proceed with due haste!
Empire Carpet World!
BATOR: Commander Tompkins is presently enduring some
gastrointestinal distress.
MATTHEW: Nonsense! We must proceed with due haste!
DARTH VADER: They draw nearer... [breathing noise]
[breathing nose] [juicy burp]. That was messy.... oh, and
this helmet is a rental, too!!
[breathing nose] [juicy burp]. That was messy.... oh, and
this helmet is a rental, too!!
PEDESTRIANS: Look, up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Superman!
No, wait... It's DARTH VADER!!!!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Superman!
No, wait... It's DARTH VADER!!!!
LUCAS: Darth Vader? Who is that?
MATTHEW: He must be the owner of Empire Carpet World!
Restore our carpet, or die, heathen!
DARTH VADER: I shall do no such thing. As long as there
are sea cucumbers off the coast of Venezuela, there shall be
ugly carpet on your starship!
MATTHEW: He must be the owner of Empire Carpet World!
Restore our carpet, or die, heathen!
DARTH VADER: I shall do no such thing. As long as there
are sea cucumbers off the coast of Venezuela, there shall be
ugly carpet on your starship!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Cut! Cut!!! One of our extras has been
incinerated by the dragon!
NURSE: That's the 47th one this week!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Well, take care of him. We need him on
the set tomorrow morning.
NURSE: Steve, he's dead.
He's dead, Steve.
Damn it, Steve! He's dead!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Really? Oh well.
incinerated by the dragon!
NURSE: That's the 47th one this week!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Well, take care of him. We need him on
the set tomorrow morning.
NURSE: Steve, he's dead.
He's dead, Steve.
Damn it, Steve! He's dead!
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Really? Oh well.
STEVEN SPEILBERG: As for the rest of you, all I can say is
CRAP! In fact, your acting is so BAD, you'd need a LADDER to
reach the CRAP level! Mr. Bator, you're lucky I'm sleeping
with you, otherwise you'd be fired!
MATTHEW: You're sleeping with HIM, too?
STEVEN SPEILBERG: No. And YOU, with the helmet... DARTH
VADER? You're in the wrong universe, man!
DARTH: I was the only evil henchperson available. And
actually, I'm Darth Maul. Talyere is using the Vader head.
TALYERE: I am. It's quite nice, actually.
DARTH: But as long as I've got the helmet on, I can be a
reasonably convincing Vader.
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Well... okay. But we're going to have to
make a few changes. Instead of a long talky scene with the
Commander, we're going to need a dramatic light-saber fight.
On the rooftops! YES!! Yes!! ACTION!!!
CRAP! In fact, your acting is so BAD, you'd need a LADDER to
reach the CRAP level! Mr. Bator, you're lucky I'm sleeping
with you, otherwise you'd be fired!
MATTHEW: You're sleeping with HIM, too?
STEVEN SPEILBERG: No. And YOU, with the helmet... DARTH
VADER? You're in the wrong universe, man!
DARTH: I was the only evil henchperson available. And
actually, I'm Darth Maul. Talyere is using the Vader head.
TALYERE: I am. It's quite nice, actually.
DARTH: But as long as I've got the helmet on, I can be a
reasonably convincing Vader.
STEVEN SPEILBERG: Well... okay. But we're going to have to
make a few changes. Instead of a long talky scene with the
Commander, we're going to need a dramatic light-saber fight.
On the rooftops! YES!! Yes!! ACTION!!!
MATTHEW: You can't beat me, Darth! I'm the best
swordsman in all of Rhode Island!
VADER: We shall see about that...
swordsman in all of Rhode Island!
VADER: We shall see about that...
[insert dramatic music here]
MATTHEW: You're slipping, Darth.
DARTH: I soiled my helmet on my way to meet you. You
must forgive my poor performance.
MATTHEW: You're slipping, Darth.
DARTH: I soiled my helmet on my way to meet you. You
must forgive my poor performance.
TALYERE: You know, Lucas, I was just going over the
script...
LUCAS: And?
TALYERE: I have made a grave error.
LUCAS: Oh?
TALYERE: Our beloved Commander's date with death is not
in Scene Three as I had previously stated.
LUCAS: When is it?
TALYERE: Oooh.....
MATTHEW: AaAGHGHAA!!!!
script...
LUCAS: And?
TALYERE: I have made a grave error.
LUCAS: Oh?
TALYERE: Our beloved Commander's date with death is not
in Scene Three as I had previously stated.
LUCAS: When is it?
TALYERE: Oooh.....
MATTHEW: AaAGHGHAA!!!!
MATTHEW: Ow! My hand!
VADER: You should have seen that one coming... I used
that trick way back in "The Empire Strikes Back."
MATTHEW: I'm sorry! I never watched it!
VADER: And now you shall DIE because of it!
LUCAS: I see..
BATOR: I can't...
LUCAS: It's not my fault you stood in back.
[ZAP]!!!!
VADER: You should have seen that one coming... I used
that trick way back in "The Empire Strikes Back."
MATTHEW: I'm sorry! I never watched it!
VADER: And now you shall DIE because of it!
LUCAS: I see..
BATOR: I can't...
LUCAS: It's not my fault you stood in back.
[ZAP]!!!!
GROMIL: Hey, good shot laddie! Ya hit Old Man Warner in
the crotch!
BOB: It's no biggie. He didn't have much down there,
anyway.
GROMIL: How can you be certain? Have yah ever taken yer
pants off, lad?
BOB: ...Come to think of it, I haven't.
GROMIL: Well I have. My entire torso suddenly separated
from me legs! It was horrid! It's a conspiracy, I tell yah...
the crotch!
BOB: It's no biggie. He didn't have much down there,
anyway.
GROMIL: How can you be certain? Have yah ever taken yer
pants off, lad?
BOB: ...Come to think of it, I haven't.
GROMIL: Well I have. My entire torso suddenly separated
from me legs! It was horrid! It's a conspiracy, I tell yah...
LUCAS: This is not good...
BATOR: What are we going to do now?
TALYERE: Well, the Captain undoubtedly has devised a
brilliant plan while we were gone. We shall just wait for him
to come and rescue us...
BATOR: What are we going to do now?
TALYERE: Well, the Captain undoubtedly has devised a
brilliant plan while we were gone. We shall just wait for him
to come and rescue us...
| BACK ON THE STARLIGHT OUSIDE THE CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS |
ALAN: Now THAT is Mmmm, Mmmm GOOD!!!
ERIN: I don't think that counts as a soup reference...
ERIN: I don't think that counts as a soup reference...