ALAN:  Admiral, you're looking stunning, as usual.  I see you're
growing out the sideburns...  Very stylish.  Trying to capture that
old 'Kirk' feeling?

O'CONNOR: I'm not here to talk about my copious amounts of
facial hair, Captain.  Where is that status report I asked about
during Act One?  Command has been on my tail about that report
since Season Two!

ALAN: Status report?  You weren't even IN Act One!

O'CONNOR: Yes, I was.

ALAN: So you think I'm lying?

O'CONNOR: I didn't say you were lying, Captain.  You're just not
telling the truth.  I hear everything yous guys say about me, you
O'CONNOR: So, I understand there's a situation with the Breen?

ALAN: Borg, actually.


ALAN: The Borg?  You know, "Resistance is futile"?

O'CONNOR: Oh, the Borg!  You indicated there was a problem
with the Breen in your status report.

ALAN: The one I never gave to you in Act One?

O'CONNOR: That's the one.

ALAN: If I never gave it to you, then how did you read it?

O'CONNOR: Telepathy.  And yes, I have lost weight.

ALAN: I wasn't thinking that.

O'CONNOR: Yes.  You were.
O'CONNOR: Anyway, I recently heard an interesting tale that is
essential to the progression of the plot.

ALAN: Oh really?  Are you going to transmit it telepathically?

O'CONNOR: Eons ago, in the burning fires of Caltaar III, the Dark
Lord Tim created a bunch of rings of power....

Three were given to the Romulans...

Six, to Klingons...

And nine to the Federation....

Together, they would plunge their small corner of the galaxy into
countless wars...

But they were all of them deceieved...

For the Dark Lord created another ring of power to rule them all!
O'CONNOR: For eons, the Borg Queen held this One Ring.  But
since she died so much the past few years, we've really had
trouble keeping track of it.  All you have to do is return this ring
to the Queen, and she'll come back to the Collective to rule us all.

ALAN: So we must find this... One Ring?

O'CONNOR: Yes.  And on your way back from Borg Space, pick up
a gallon of milk from the Kroger on Ka'Tula Prime.  Starfleet
Command is almost out, and our sale paper doesn't start until

ALAN: ...Of course.
MATTHEW: What are our orders, Captain?

ALAN: We must find the One Ring, and return it to the Borg
Queen.  And then we have to pick up a gallon of milk, and return
it to Earth before the expiration date.

MATTHEW:  That sounds difficult.

ALAN: It will be.  That milk doesn't stay fresh for very long.
ALAN: Are there any Borg ships on sensors?

ERIN: I've got Tactical Cube 47 on long-range sensors.  They're
currently redecorating a neglected breakfast nook on Qo'noS.  
However, my plot-indicator says that we should go there to

KENDALL: That thing seems pretty helpful.   When we're on
dangerous missions, we can avoid the plot altogether in order to
stay safe.

ALAN: That might sound good to you and me, Kendall, but what
about our poor readers?  They'll be bored to death!

KENDALL: Well... if they're not being bored to death, then there's
a good chance I'll be phasered to death...

ALAN: Nah, that's Matthew's job...
ALAN: Neelar, set a course for Tactical Cube 47--and Matthew,
prepare your away team.

ERIN : Due to bugetary constraints, we still can't use the
transporter.  We'll have to take a shuttlecraft.

MATTHEW:  Must we?  I dislike the shuttlebay...  With all of those
gender-challenged individuals, it is perhaps the most frightening
places on the ship.

ALAN:  You'll live.

MATTHEW:  I hope.
MATTHEW: Excuse me... um... ma'am?

SHE-MAN: Sir, actually.  I'm related to Admiral O'Connor.

MATTHEW:  Well, I almost had it right.  Perhaps next time I will
guess the shuttle controller's gender properly?

SHE-MAN:  Don't count on it.  Have you met Lieutenant Waltman?


SHE-MAN: She can grow a thicker beard than most men.  And you
should see her long, wavy back hair; it's glorious!

ERIN:  Not that this isn't exciting, but we need to use the shuttle.

SHE-MAN:  Of course...
ERIN: Hey, I didn't know Starfleet made ghetto cruisers!

MATTHEW:  I do believe it is a British-made pimp-shuttle...The
steering wheel *IS* on the right.

ERIN: That explains it.
ERIN: This thing is awesome!  We're going to have one hell of an
adventure, Matthew!

MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy.
**Jay-z's "Big Pimpin" starts to play**

We doin... big pimpin, we spendin G's...
Check 'em out now
Big pimpin with the B.O.R.G.
We doing big pimpin near the DMZ...
It's just the Matthew Man, Erin K, and B.O.R.G...
Yo yo yo...And Kendall J, he don't fit into da rhyme... so he has
to ride in the trunk.  That is SO WACK, man...

Yo yo yo...

ERIN: I see the Borg have assimilated Empire Carpet World.

MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy.
STEVE: Hey, I'm Steve.  You may remember me from countless
poor performances as Zelda in Smash Brothers Melee.  If not, you
might also remember me from some half-baked Pomegranate
Empire...  And if you don't remember me from THAT, then I'm
afraid you've never met me before.

MATTHEW: ...Adventures make me gassy.

STEVE:  What's his problem?

ERIN:  He's afraid something bad is going to happen to him this
act. Talyere always reads the script and tries to freak him out.  
It's pretty funny, actually.

STEVE:  Well, feel free to look around.  We've got a nice selection
in our new culinary assimilation chamber...  The burgers around
here are to assimilate for!! Hahahahahaha!!!
AL:  Good morning, Frank!  How's our top assimilator doing today?  
Need an oil change or anything?

FRANK: Nah, I'm fine!  Though the wife could probably use a good
lube job...
DRONE:  Good morning, everyone, my designation is 501 of 974,
Quaternary Adjunct to Unimatrix 4-1-7-3.   But you may call me
Bubba.  I'm pleased to see all of you here today, and hope that
you'll choose to join the collective after this brief orientation.  I'll
have you know, there's not another species around that offers a
better health care package!  Should you acquire damage, you can
instantly be healed at any one of our three billion regeneration
alcoves, conveniently located at any Borg installation throughout
the galaxy.  And in the rare event that you get shot while
assimilating a Federation starship, you can vaporize knowing that
your greasy body will leave a VERY unsightly stain on their
carpeting--and that there are trillions of other drones waiting in
the wings to pick up for your slack.

The Borg also offer competitive pay.  While the Federation
expects you to work for free, we offer incredible wages, with
raises every six months!  And, with your Borg Plus Savings Card,
you'll get deep discounts at every spaceport in the quadrant.  So,
after a hard day's work assimilating the Federation, feel free to
stop by any of their starbases to pick up a memento of their
civilization while it still exists!
DRONE:  What can we do for you today?  Trim your cybernetic
arm a little bit?  Install some additional RAM?  Maybe a little more

GUY:  Just take a little off the top.  And maybe get me one of
those new ocular implants.  You know, one of those fancy
HD-plasma thingies.  That would be great.

DRONE:  Will do...
KENDALL: I'm detecting a strange energy signature inside of that

ERIN: The readings are consistant with the rings forged by the
Dark Lord Tim on Caltaar II...

KENDALL:  What's it doing inside of a burger?

ERIN: The Dark Lord must have been forging Onion Rings...

KENDALL: So... the Borg Queen has been using an Onion Ring to
control the universe all these years?

ERIN:  So it would seem...