The USS Starcress, a "state of the art" starship designed to fight the Borg. |
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The USS Health Hazard. We found this design on the Internet. Somebody was trying to pass it off as the Enterprise-E. |
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The USS Saturn, rendered in 1995 using that monster application, MS Paint. |
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WAR, WAR, WAR! Star Trek has managed to go 35 years with only one major war (the Dominion War). We were lucky to go a month. In fact, many of these wars overlapped, putting that poor Federation on a multi-front war with the galaxy’s major superpowers. This is a brief overview of the major storylines running throughout TFF’s original 5-year run (from 1993-1997). And with 24 wars, it was a VERY busy five years. TAIPEI WAR. Episodes 2 – 3. Taipei declare war after their leader, Taegu is missing for five days. FIRST ROMULAN WAR. Episodes 3 – 7. The Romulans declared war on the Federation for no apparent reason. They had the Federation on the run, but they suddenly ended hostilities in Episode 7, again for no apparent reason. ARUN WAR. Episodes 35 and 37. For some reason, the conflict started on Lego Manor (a FEDERATION COLONY) after a battle with a Federation starship. The Aruns ended the war after a Romulan intervention. SECOND ROMULAN WAR. Episode 41. A Galaxy class starship crossed the Neutral Zone and destroyed 55 Romulan ships AND managed to attack the Romulan Senate… Naturally, the Romulans were upset. Thankfully, the Romulans conveniently forgot to counterstrike, and the war was never heard of again. THE BUJUMBRAN WAR. Episodes 44, 50 - 52, 54 - 58, 62. A terrible war between the Ketchup Confederation and the Mustard Dominion broke out in Episode 44 (at the end of Year 1). For some reason, the Federation gets involved, along with every other race in the known universe. THANKFULLY, a tropical storm passes through the Bujumbran System and wipes out the Mustard Fleet—but not after several incarnations of the Rachos Exos Nothabranchus are destroyed amidst MANY episodes of heated conflict. And to top it all off, the entire Bujumbran System explodes in episode 62. Furthermore, the war caused hamburger joints across the country to have mustard in short supply. THIRD ROMULAN WAR. Episodes 45 and 46. Amidst the chaos of the Bujumbran War, the THIRD Romulan War in two years erupts as a Romulan Vessel the size of MERCURY launches an attack on the station of intergalactic conflict, Lego Manor. Unfortunately, that manic Galaxy Class Starship that instigated the previous war is nowhere to be found, and the Romulans trounce the Federation and Lego Manor for two episodes before… again, surrendering for no apparent reason. FIRST KLINGON WAR. Episodes 47, 49. Another mishap at Lego Manor leads to a Klingon War and the destruction of the troublesome station. Thankfully, the Romulans conveniently forgot we were at war in the previous episode, and lent the UFP a hand as the Klingons invaded. The invasion was quelled, but the war continued into Episode 49. Oddly enough, amidst this chaos, the Klingons and Federation entered the Bujumbran War in this episode, fighting ALONGSIDE ONE ANOTHER (but against the Romulans, who helped to SAVE the Federation from the Klingon invasion in episode 47). THE ARUN BLACK HOLE STANDOFF. Episodes 71 and 79). To further complicate matters, the Klingons and Romulans were working TOGETHER in episode 71 to rid of the Federation. Sadly, they chose to guard a FREAKING BLACK HOLE. They were successful in preventing a Federation incursion into the Arun hole (thanks to a group of… farting Romulans), but when the USS Saturn re-visited the region in episode 79, neither the Klingons nor Romulans were there (KLINGON: It’s been five episodes! They’re not coming back! ROMULAN: Then let us retreat.). The following (and far from profound) observations were made about the hole: - NEVER go close to a black hole. - There was a “Strong Downward Voracity.” - Ion levels were 67% higher. - It was black. THE RANDOM X WAR. Episodes 79 – 81, 83. An incredibly weird war that against the dreaded “Random X” and their henchmen from subspace, the Elorg. Thankfully, the Random X (later known as United Earth) decide to play nice after Episode 83, while the Elorg continue to cause trouble. THE WAR AGAINST MERCURIAL TERRORISTS. Episodes 92, 93, 95, 96. Terrorists hijack the USS Cirrus and want to … well, we don’t know. They never said. They just wanted to blow stuff up for four episodes, and then vanish (the war was never concluded, but all was well in episode 97). Meanwhile, the fate of the heralded Bajoran Cookie Cutter was uncertain due to the terrorist threat. UNITED EARTH. Episodes 94, 97, 103, 117. Well, the United Earth (formerly Random X) decided being nice was not their style, so they decided to be mean again, this time intending to unite Earth under their banner. THANKFULLY, they deployed a fleet of submarines to attack earth, which meant their threats were pretty empty—and of course, by Episode 103, they were on the run. By episode 117, they were no more. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Episode 99. Not actually a war, but so stupid that it’s worth mentioning. Yes, the Nova was attacked by a “Death Star” (that had a giant “laser,” which was invented by Dr. Alan Parsons. In honor of Dr. Parsons, we shall call it The Alan Parsons Project (Watch “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.” It’s groovy, baby, yeah!)). THE SECOND KLINGON WAR. Episode 109. Well, just watch DS9’s “The Way of the Warrior,” and then replay the entire episode in your mind, but in my basement instead of on DS9. THE BORG WAR. Episodes 1, 87, 110, 112 – 116. The Borg appear en mass to attack and destroy the Federation. At first we had the Borg Ray to defend ourselves, but that technology was forgotten by episode 87. Thankfully, the Borg took their good sweet time getting to the Federation (actually, they invaded the Romulan Neutral Zone… and of course, those no good Rommies didn't do a THING). Thankfully the war was won after the destruction of the Cirrus. Literally. "DRONE: Well, boys, we destroyed the Cirrus... And they put up a hell of a fight. We'd better retreat." THE VELORA. Episode 120. They drove around in “chicken legs” and proclaimed, “our objective is to seek out and destroy you and your allies. You will convert to Velora ways and follow Velora laws. It will be a slow process, but it will happen.” And after a fierce battle, they retreated. Obviously, their bark was worse than their bite. THE ELORG WAR. Episodes 122 and 124. It took three years to complete in the official TFF universe. But it was done and over with in a meager two episodes here. In this “gripping saga,” the Cirrus and its intrepid (or incredibly dumb) crew enter the Elorg’s subspace domain (with THREE other ships). Amazingly, they manage to DESTROY the Elorg homeworld. But naturally, the Cirrus was destroyed in the process. THE FOURTH ROMULAN WAR AND THE THIRD KLINGON WAR. Episode 129, 131, 144. It was basically a free-for-all. Romulans against Federation, Federation against Klingon, Klingon against Romulan. And in keeping with the tradition of these Romulan wars, all of it happened for no apparent reason. Naturally, the Cirrus (they always keep a spare at Utopia Planitia) was heavily damaged at the war’s end. But apparently, neither the Klingons nor the Romulans liked that peaceful arrangement, so they declared war on each other in episode 144. FEDERATION CIVIL WAR. Episodes 133 – 139, 143, 145 – 148, 150. Just watch the entire Babylon 5 civil war arc, and then rethink the entire thing in your mind… again, in my basement. Of course, you’ll never see THIS on Babylon 5 (an excerpt of the great battle in episode 136): “Things with Martial Law have gotten greater than worse. On Saturday morning, the Quasar’s navigational systems were going crazy, and the ship drifted into Venturi Space, where an attack led by 498 Venturi vessels commenced, with 2 other Venturi Warbirds they stole from the Romulans. The attack moved into Federation space, where they encountered the Windcress, which then decided to help. The Venturi were still winning, so more starships came. The Excalibur, followed by the Yankzee Kiang III arrived. The Windcress had an unfortunate piloting error, and was destroyed when it rammed the Excalibur, thus entering Martial Law into the picture. Both starships were destroyed. The attack continued, entering the Adelphi into the battle. The Adelphi continually fired upon the Quasar, causing a warp core breach and a nacelle pylon failure. A saucer separation commenced, but then the crew remembered that the warp core was on the saucer, so they evacuated to the stardrive section. Unfortunately, the nacelle pylon failure was still going on in that section, so they were doomed. Captain Adamek proclaimed the Quasar to be “a flawed piece of junk” in the ship’s final log entry. “Meanwhile, the Cirrus accidentally stumbles upon a Borg ship assimilating a Cardassian Space Station, Terok Nor II. The Cirrus flees, but the Borg and the station follow. The Cirrus leads them to the battle, and tries to save the Quasar, but the Adelphi gets in the way. The Borg tractor beam gets hold of the Cirrus and causes the Cirrus to ram the Borg ship, causing a warp core breach on the Cirrus. The Quasar gets itself back together, and evacuates everyone from the Cirrus to the Quasar, until the Venturi strike again, causing the warp core breach to accelerate, so everyone evacuates from the Quasar back to the Cirrus, who then try to flee at impulse, when the Quasar is hit with a brick, which causes the stardrive section to blow up. Meanwhile, the Borg are trying to blow up the Cirrus, when the helm driver, Captain N. Badaczewski starts to pound the helm after the character “Chris” dies of exhaustion on “Oregon Trail,” causing the Cirrus to ram the Yankzee Kiang III. It lost a warp nacelle and blew up. The Cirrus and ½ of the Quasar fled from the battle for safety. The condition of the Adelphi is unknown.” THE VELORA STRIKE BACK. Episodes 146, 149, 151. After their humiliating defeat in Episode 120, the Velora come back with a vengeance (naturally, amidst the Federation Civil War) and without their chicken legs. This time, they kindly brought their entire fleet of stolen Kazon vessels (which the Kazon had previously stolen from the Trabe) to the Alpha Quadrant for some whoop-ass, and get what they deserve. AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE THIS IN TFF: Your beloved Captain is chained up by Velora intruders and stuffed in an access hatch. The Cirrus’ stardrive section was destroyed to repel the Velora invaders; the saucer crashed into a mountain, and subsequently sustained 96% damage when the auto-destruct feature went off (“But the ship is saved!”). On the brink of victory, the Velora decided to stop their invasion (actually, it was never resolved, and the Velora were never heard from again). THE FOURTH KLINGON WAR. Episodes 150, 157 – 162. After the shocking discovery that Gowron is a changeling, the Cirrus (again, acting alone), infiltrates Klingon Space to see if it’s true. Naturally, they are stopped, and the much more capable crew of DS9 find the shapeshifter in “Apocalypse Rising.” THE SHADOW WAR. Episodes 164 – 166, 168 - 170, 173 – 175. Another obvious Babylon 5 rip-off. In fact, Babylon 5 was even used as a staging facility for the assault on the Shadow fleet at Corianus 6. THE ROTUNDRA WAR. Episodes 174, 176, 179. A chair farming colony on Rotundra VI was attacked by Klingon Termites, and subsequently declared war on the Bajorans. Yes. I kid you not. Thankfully, the war is canceled when another freak tropical storm (similar to the one that ended the Bujumbran War) threatened the Rotundran Fleet. THE ZHARGOSIA MASSACRE. Episodes 177, 179, 181, 184 and 185. The final war—and no, it's nothing like TFF's Zhargosia Arc. Yes, there was the same mysterious buildup for several episodes, but it led to a rather… odd conclusion in this instance. Faced with a losing battle against Species 8472, the Borg needed to replenish their dwindling supplies. The Borg slaughtered a massive fleet of Federation starships before Species 8472 arrived, and slaughtered the Borg, the Elorg, the Velora, United Earth, and the Aruns. As the series came to a close with Episode 185, everyone was dead, and our beloved Captain was revealed to be a shapeshifter, plotting all along to leave the Federation in ruins as the Dominion attacked DS9 (in “A Call to Arms”). Of course, the most notable item in the episode was a small paragraph at the bottom that off-handedly mentioned TFF’ s transition to the internet… |
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The Cirrus, which looks remarkably like the Enterprise-D, gets creamed by very poor renditions of the Klingons AND the Romulans. |
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The Cirrus, shortly before crashing into the mountainside. |
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The Continuing Mission |
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Proceed to the Next Chapter! |
The Continuing Mission... |